I feel trapped in my own femininity? Is that a thing?
Either that or it’s been too long since someone touched my butt.
I am incredibly frustrated by two things:
1. My intense attraction to women. I feel a very powerful longing for girls, yet I am too shy/insecure to talk to any of them. I am also frustrated by the fact that I have never had any romantic-isc anything with a girl. It’s like… if you were a hetero man and had never had anything to do with a women romantically, or didn’t even know any straight women. Didn’t know anything/weren’t involved in the hetero scene at all. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, it’s just new. I didn’t immediately and naturally realise I was attracted to girls as I did with boys. I was in denial when I was younger, I convinced myself that it wasn’t that I was romantically attracted to them, just that I though they were physically attractive/I was jealous/wanted to be/look like them. I am still learning to embrace these feelings and it’s fucking confusing and hard!
2. One of my most reoccurring frustrations: I don’t feel that how I appear expresses who I am. I don’t feel myself in these clothes, but I have tried so many options. I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to fix this it pops back up. Ughhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t. This is not who I am. I’m so frustrated. Trying to express myself is my biggest struggle. And I can’t even do that with clothing. I feel lost in my own body.
I’m having a weird night.
I had a better time in four days in Düsseldorf than I did in the whole 13 weeks I was there for exchange when I was 16. Mostly because of one person. One person I had a big crush on when I was there last time, and the same person I still have a crush on today. Only it turns out I wasted a lot of time dreaming of impossible circumstances because he actually liked me more than I thought. I have butterflies again like my 16 year old self. Except this time I’m not afraid to talk to him. Wow! I was so happy in Düsseldorf. At first it was a little awkward, but he wanted to hang out with me all of the time I was so shocked. It was just such a nice feeling to know someone (a boy) can enjoy my company? Wow! I’m so teen. I hung out with my old exchange partner, some girls I knew back then and a really lovely girl that went to my high school in Australia. And the boy. Mainly the boy. And his friends. I’m so happy thinking over these moments; baking cookies in snowy weather, ice-skating, drinking in German pubs every night, the way he put his hands in his pockets. I’m such a loser. Whatever! It was such a struggle for me not to say anything. But it was so nice and warm and pleasant. I didn’t even want to have sex with him. Just hold his hand and do kissing (without tongue). Baha. Yeah wow. He wants to spend new years with me, but it’s not going to be possible. I’m writing this from London. Bah! I don’t mind. It’s the thought that someone would want to travel that far for me. Not even to get anything from me, just as friends.
I didn’t want to move on from this. It just kept getting better and better and I was becoming real friends with people. Not like my last trip. In over three months I didn’t make real friends. Pseudo friends. But the city still felt homely to revisit. It was nice. Just very pleasant.
- people abide by the traffic lights
- little to no graffiti
- difficulty acquiring drugs
- poor style
- small hipster population
Everyday my roommate (50yo. German woman) brings me new sweets. We speak a confusing but ingenious mix of German-English. Today was a pack of some spicy-gingery-biscuits. LECKER. She also wants me to give her my address so that she can come and live with me for 2 years??? Look, you’re really nice and all lady, but you’re absolute BONKERS.
My favourite things overseas:
My least favourite things overseas:
I feel guilty because there is a beautiful exciting city waiting outside for me, but I’m not interested in it. Instead I sit on the couch and watch movies and deem it a successful day. I’m a bit sad but also content. I feel calm. I’m not sure. I can’t find the right words. I’m alone, but I don’t long to be with anyone else right now. I’m not lonely - a little bit empty? No - full. I don’t know. I’m usually really good with this stuff. I don’t know. I feel as though my whole self is in a state of transit. I’ve left somewhere, but I am not yet anywhere.
I’ve made friends everywhere I’ve traveled except for here in Munich. My dorm is filled with Crazy middle aged Germans that keep speaking to me in German and I guess they think I understand everything because I just smile and nod. Who knows what I’m nodding to, all I know is they keep trying to give me things like lollies, an umbrella, bread and warm milk. That they have been drinking out of the bottle. One woman made my bed for me though.
I’m tired. I’m so tired all of the time. Too many activities. Too many early starts. Not enough day light. Too rushed. Too sleepy.
Lone travellers in hostels and couch surfing are expected to be extroverted. They are expected to be outgoing, sociable, spontaneous and energetic almost all the time. They are expected to want to fill each day to the max with exploring, socialising and experiencing new things. It is often viewed that if you are not constantly doing these things then you are wasting your time. Why would you travel around the world and pay to sit on your bed and read a book? Extroverts typically crave external stimulation where as introverts live largely in their own minds. I traveled to Europe not for the constant external stimulation of foreign experience, but to experience my own mind in different situations. I will walk the streets of a mysterious city and take as much in as I can, but then I would like to return home to process, order and analyse this information. I want to absorb the culture as it is at that moment, then translate it later in my own terms. I love to witness new things and experience new phenomenon, but then I must shut it all out and recharge alone.
When I couch-surfed with Jascha in Berlin he told me that he found my lack of speaking uncomfortable. That made me feel horrible. Horrible because my natural state of being, which is very calm, placid and not very talkative is undesirable and makes others feel uneasy. I found it difficult to explain to him that I’m not shy, and that this is just how I am. He couldn’t grasp the idea that I wasn’t holding back. He kept trying to tell me to open up and stop holding everything back, bottling my emotions and thoughts, to express myself and to stop living in my own head.
I was anxious about traveling alone for this very reason. Because I was worried that I would have to force myself to fake extroversion, to become an outgoing, social being, something that I am largely not, and to exhaust myself in the process. I can do it, for short periods of time, but it wears me out. It drains me. Now I am in Prague and a friend I made, Nashy, makes fun of me for not partying every night. Apparently because I’m on holidays of course I should party! Never let a moment go to waste! Our roommates that went to sleep early were antisocial and weird! What kind of travellers are they? They’re backpacking alone, why aren’t they speaking to us? Something must be wrong with them. This is the culture we belong to. This culture oppresses millions of people’s true temperaments and makes them feel as though they lack value or merit in this world.
After another week of having every second of my time demanded of me by other people, I finally sit alone on my bed in peace. Girls rush around me, changing outfits and counting alcohol funds. If I went out tonight I would not be boosted, but completely depleted. Recharging.
I like girls a lot, I think more and more everyday.
The sun came out to dance with me today.
I bet an American a grapefruit that blue would win (in soccer) but I knew red would win I just felt sorry for blue nOW I owe him a grapefruit UGH